I don't understand why?

On tuesday my husband of 5 years beat me for the first time. We had been having a rough year because we have six children soon to be 7 and he now feels its too much for him to handle. So he has grown to resent and hate me and sometimes I really don't feel like he loves me. But I love him so much. So tuesday during sex he got enrage because I got angry at his attitude towards me. He was having sex with me like I was whore maybe even worst and I jump up and said I might as well be f-ing someone else. He had me so angry, so hurt, so confuse, like I couldn't bare another moment of his disrespect. I didn't mean it, and he jump up and and fist after fist which were close and he stomp my head in like I wasn't nothing.  Then when that didn't kill me he kept head butting me in my face, bust and putting a hole in my lip. Over and Over I was he had strike me over 30 times. I thought he was gonna kill me. I thought my life was over then. The worst part my husband took his feet and tried to stomp his unborn son out of me. As to finish the assault my husband who I love soo much told me I look bloody. 

My head , my head my head. I'm trying to be strong, So many mix emotions I haven't had sleep in almost 5 days. I try to eat and I vomit. These off and on break downs are tearing me up and the babies keep screaming. I go to sleep for a second and I wake up screaming in horror, I can't focus anything. My two year old started waking up in horror yesterday. I wish this was a bad dream but I know it is not. I know I should thank god I am alive...
But, My children are soldiers. My michael has been there since day one and he has helped as much a 14 could help. My 13 year old daughter has been here and she has cared for her baby sister while I try to heal, My 11 year old has also picked up some sack and my 9 year old who tear up when I cry has been strong. But I can't help but apologize to them for all this. Trying to explain it to them, praying with them. I can't help but feel guilty for their anguish. I can't help but think they deserve better than me as their mother because they have to witness their mother at her worst. At the end of the day they are children.
I feel alone, I miss him, I know it sounds stupid but the monster that did this to me is the monster I love very much. I let him blame me and its killing me. Sometimes I just wanna kill myself but I have all these children to watch out for. I want to end the hurt. End the tears, end the pain, end the fears, end the emotions. I can't understand why, why he did this to our family? Why hurt me in such away that I will never be the same, then act like I am the one that hurt him. He has no physical marks because as he beat me I was protecting the unborn child. I can't accept he doesn't love me anymore.  I can't accept this is my life. I'm scared, I'm hurt, I'm angry, I hate myself, I look in the mirror and I wish I had a gun to blow my brains out. I need help. I sit in this small apartment in the bed that I got beaten in. I want to die everyday. I wish he would of killed me then. I am broken, I am sad, so sad. People have told me I am not alone, but I am. I am all alone. I am all alone.



Original Post

Dear Mama Bear,

I was also almost killed by my partner when I was pregnant. I'm here to tell you there is life after abuse. I am now in a wonderful relationship and am equal to my partner. My partner treats me with respect. He loves my children. He partners with me in caring for them. He also takes my feelings seriously and I am not afraid to communicate my real feelings.

No one can tell you when to leave, and when it feels safe to leave. You are the best judge of your situation and your safety. I understand the crush of emotions that go along with abuse and "love". It takes time, but start to notice the difference between authentic caring love (includes actions of caring, constant and steady support) and attachment "love". Attachment "love" often gets worse after the person hurts us, because we are vulnerable and feel helpless, and need help. We are primed to turn to those we are attached to (in "love" with) to get help. Ironically, we are stuck like an insect in a  spider's in a web and have only the spider to turn to. The spider will hurt us more. That web is woven from power and control. They use your goodness, and your fear and shame against you. They try to get us to second guess everything we know deep inside to be true. They use our own goodness, feelings, conscience against us. It hurts like hell but it only takes a short time apart to get over this kind of love.

I would definitely find a safe place. Call the Abuse Hotline, and make an escape plan and get to a DV shelter as soon as is safe to do so. We never think it can happen to us, and it may be obvious but it should be repeated that you are in danger right now.

P.S. It sounds like you have great kids. That is a credit to you! Don't listen to anything he says. Another thing is people tell you to "love yourself" which is the most idiotic thing to say to someone who is hurt. Now I realize what they meant by that was even if you don't feel like it, take actions for yourself. This can be a small minute thing such as making yourself a cup of tea, and feeling the warmth of it. Go for a walk around the block (if it is safe). It might feel silly, but those small actions add up. 




P.S. Your kids will be fine. I know the agony and shame of beating ourselves up as mothers because we are not perfect and have "failed" our kids in some way. Like many abused women, you are taking on all of the responsibility for everything. We are taught to do that, but you don't have to take on all the responsibility for your kids. You can only do what you can do, given your circumstances: which are NOT your fault. Kids are resilient and even if they have to take on more roles now, it is not a bad thing, and they will learn from it.

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