I am a female in my 30s. I was diagnosed years ago with ptsd due to domestic abuse however lately I’m beginning to wonder if that’s even the root of it. I have been in and out of therapy since I was 12. The past couple of years I have been going through a major personal growth , while doing so I have been faced with much of the light I carry as well as the dark. Some of the darker parts of me have reminded me of my sexual behavior as a child in flashbacks ,which then led to the complete memories some of which I’m ashamed to say I reacted in ways I didn’t I expect I would.
When I was about 12 we lived next door to a family of 5. They had a daughter my age. We used to do a lot of sleepovers,which turned into us exploring with one another, not too much of a big deal right ? Most pre teen girls have done similar,however do most preteen girls tell their friends younger siblings to watch ? Or enjoy the fact they are ?
When I was 10, maybe 11 I was in our yard wearing this summer top playing with 2 of my younger male cousins , the neighbor boy and his 14 year old male cousin when one of my cousins pulled my top down. I remember being quite okay with all these boys looking at me....
When I was 9 , my 8 year old cousin was sleeping over I remember dry humping on the bathroom floor while everyone was asleep him begging me to do it , I said no but we continued doing what we were doing
Again when I was between 8 and 11 I remember trying to get my older cousins (16 -20) to kiss me , I even remember laying on top of my 18 yr old cousin giving him peck kisses while rubbing on him he made me stop the first couple of time but I persisted
I remember having the little boy and girl my grandmother used to babysit touch and kiss each other when they were 6. I masterbatued later on that evening I was 13...
Im beginning to think someone may have done something to me a a young child that I have completely blocked out , no normal child does the things I’ve described and more. I don’t have any clear memories from the age of 4-8 except for a few , with a trip to Hawaii after my grandfather passed away when I was 5.
I’m confused and I’m scared.