I'm going to start off by apologizing for the long post but I realized I might get the help I need just by talking to other woman that have been in my shoes and have gone through bad relationships that turned abusive.
I'm 27 years old and I'm still figuring my life out, I'm a full time worker and a part time student. I left my ex 5 years ago but he some how is still popping back in my life through these 5 years. it all started when I was 17 years old i started dating my first love and i fell deeply in love with this great man that made me feel like i was special and slowly he became different but i was already so blinded by the man i feel in love with that I didn't notice the changes as red flags i just didn't want to lose him. I caught him cheating multiple times but every time i would leave him he would cry get on his knees and i would take him back.
Then he started getting possessive he would tell me what to wear and what not to wear. At first i would fight back and say that he had no say in my clothes but he always had the upper hand so i would wear layers because the shirts were a bit see-through in the sun. their was an experience i will never forget he picked me up from work and was angry, he was positive that the long sleeve shirt i had on was some how see-through so he pulled up to a dark street forced me to get out of the car and stand in front of the car while he turned on the high beams and looked to see if he could see my bra, another example is he would make me call on video chat and show him the clothes i would wear daily and at times he would rip my clothes. I started having to go shopping with him to approve my bras and he would stand outside the fitting rooms and make me jump etc to make sure my nipple wouldn't slip.
Then the extra jealousy started to come out he would blow up my phone if i went out wit friends and would go through my phone and would time how long it should have taken me to go somewhere. All this is happening as he is cheating on me. slowly the pushing started to happen i honestly didnt think pushing was abuse i started pushing back and their was times were i would feel so helpless and not good enough i would curl up and cry in a corner and he would apologize and be that man i fell in love with. One day he had court i went with him but he had to go speak with his attorney and left me in the court room while i was in the court room a man was trying to make eye contact and wink at me etc so i felt uncomfortable and walked out after we left i told him about it and he was enraged said i made him look stupid and i liked the attention and he pushed my head so hard it bounced off the car window and thats when the physical really started to happen. After that their were different experiences like pushing me extra hard and once pulled out his belt but i never saw it as full abuse some how. A few years in we were out at one of my friends birthday party and he got mad and we fought and he left but came right back and made me go outside with him and when i said i was going to stay at the party with my friends were there was guys he lost it and bunched me idk how many times in the face (im 4'11 and he is a 5'11 big muscle guy) that i blacked out and was found curled up by my friends. I had a police report done but he would show up at my job on his knees and begging me for weeks till the court day i decided to ask the judge to just offer counseling. After that experience we got back together he got caught cheating again but i stayed because he was all i knew and he was begging me for children but i couldn't get pregnant and i felt like i was not woman enough. finally at the age of 23 i couldn't do it anymore and finally left him but this time he was good for about a year but was just obsessed not even one movement could be done without me and i just didn't love him the same anymore.
I left him he begged to stay but i didnt want to continue living a lie i wanted freedom and wanted to feel like i was worth more. so from 23 years till now 27 years old he is still around he shows up every few months by calling me none stop but every time i fall back in with him i feel like im betraying myself. he had a child with another woman but blames me because i left him (what a joke).
Anyways the point of this post is that i know i dont love him the same i know i could never be with him but every few months he comes around i allow him in my life for 1 or 2 days and then it all goes to hell he disappears or i say no i cant do this because every time i find out theirs other woman and hes lying but some how he try to make me feel like im the bad person. My question is why cant i just let him go,I haven't been able to be in a relationship with anyone these last few years he has been in multiple and when i see him i don't see a relationship I always feel this empty feeling inside and IDK why i allow this still .... why cant i let go why do i still hurt when he comes around and then has someone else why?? How can i let go of the man that mentally and physically abused me.. i feel like no one will ever love me but him but i know its not true im just stuck.