Getting over the abuser

Hi everyone,

I'm going to start off by apologizing for the long post but I realized I might get the help I need just by talking to other woman that have been in my shoes and have gone through bad relationships that turned abusive.

I'm 27 years old and I'm still figuring my life out, I'm a full time worker and a part time student. I left my ex 5 years ago but he some how is still popping back in my life through these 5 years. it all started when I was 17 years old i started dating my first love and i fell deeply in love with this great man that made me feel like i was special and slowly he became different but i was already so blinded by the man i feel in love with that I didn't notice the changes as red flags i just didn't want to lose him. I caught him cheating multiple times but every time i would leave him he would cry get on his knees and i would take him back.

Then he started getting possessive he would tell me what to wear and what not to wear. At first i would fight back and say that he had no say in my clothes but he always had the upper hand so i would wear layers because the shirts were a bit see-through in the sun. their was an experience i will never forget he picked me up from work and was angry, he was positive that the long sleeve shirt i had on was some how see-through so he pulled up to a dark street forced me to get out of the car and stand in front of the car while he turned on the high beams and looked to see if he could see my bra, another example is he would make me call on video chat and show him the clothes i would wear daily and at times he would rip my clothes. I started having to go shopping with him to approve my bras and he would stand outside the fitting rooms and make me jump etc to make sure my nipple wouldn't slip.

Then the extra jealousy started to come out he would blow up my phone if i went out wit friends and would go through my phone and would time how long it should have taken me to go somewhere. All this is happening as he is cheating on me. slowly the pushing started to happen i honestly didnt think pushing was abuse i started pushing back and their was times were i would feel so helpless and not good enough i would curl up and cry in a corner and he would apologize and be that man i fell in love with. One day he had court i went with him but he had to go speak with his attorney and left me in the court room while i was in the court room a man was trying to make eye contact and wink at me etc so i felt uncomfortable and walked out after we left i told him about it and he was enraged said i made him look stupid and i liked the attention and he pushed my head so hard it bounced off the car window and thats when the physical really started to happen. After that their were different experiences like pushing me extra hard and once pulled out his belt but i never saw it as full abuse some how. A few years in we were out at one of my friends birthday party and he got mad and we fought and he left but came right back and made me go outside with him and when i said i was going to stay at the party with my friends were there was guys he lost it and bunched me idk how many times in the face (im 4'11 and he is a 5'11 big muscle guy) that i blacked out and was found curled up by my friends. I had a police report done but he would show up at my job on his knees and begging me for weeks till the court day i decided to ask the judge to just offer counseling. After that experience we got back together he got caught cheating again but i stayed because he was all i knew and he was begging me for children but i couldn't get pregnant and i felt like i was not woman enough. finally at the age of 23 i couldn't do it anymore and finally left him but this time he was good for about a year but was just obsessed not even one movement could be done without me and i just didn't love him the same anymore.

I left him he begged to stay but i didnt want to continue living a lie i wanted freedom and wanted to feel like i was worth more. so from 23 years till now 27 years old he is still around he shows up every few months by calling me none stop but every time i fall back in with him i feel like im betraying myself. he had a child with another woman but blames me because i left him (what a joke).

Anyways the point of this post is that i know i dont love him the same i know i could never be with him but every few months he comes around i allow him in my life for 1 or 2 days and then it all goes to hell he disappears or i say no i cant do this because every time i find out theirs other woman and hes lying but some how he try to make me feel like im the bad person. My question is why cant i just let him go,I haven't been able to be in a relationship with anyone these last few years he has been in multiple and when i see him i don't see a relationship I always feel this empty feeling inside and IDK why i allow this still .... why cant i let go why do i still hurt when he comes around and then has someone else why?? How can i let go of the man that mentally and physically abused me.. i feel like no one will ever love me but him but i know its not true im just stuck.

Original Post


Thank you for sharing your experience here at YesIcan. It seems you have a lot of questions that can be answered by you. Sometimes those questions are difficult to answer because they may not be the answers we want to hear, or sometimes it is just overwhelming to think about it. If you would like, you can also join a chat group here in YesIcan, and you can discuss or share the ideas you might have towards finding some answers. Whatever you choose to do, choose for you and not for anyone else.

I have been in a 12 year marriage with my son's father who started off being so nice and sweet. I got with him at 17 married 3 months later. I find it hard 8 years later hard to let things go even though I know I could never be with him again because it would be so different. I can't tell you why because I find myself in the same boat. But I like you would like to talk to others that's been in the same boat. I use to think because he didn't punch or hit me that it wasn't abuse but I was chased with a chain saw and his favorite things to do was to choke me until I almost passed out let go and start over again and do sexual things I didn't want to do. He always was cheating and when I found out would get so violent like it was my fault. I always looked at him as my savior because he got me outta my parents abusive home but I was just put in another abusive situation. If anyone knows how we can let them go that would be awesome. 

Hello MRYAN,

Thank you for joining our websites and for sharing your story. I know that it took a lot of courage to share your experience. Are you in a safe place right now? No one should go through that in any circumstance. You are so brave and resilient be to able to discuss what you have been through. Being able to share your story is a huge step towards healing but also inspire others to do the same and share their experiences. I would recommend you to join our chatroom to talk with others that are going through or have gone through what you are going through. Here is the website for the National Domestic Violence Hotline and the number is 1-800-799-SAFE(7233).

I am so sorry for what you have been going through....

I have gone through mental, emotional, financial, physical abuse committed by my husband, who proved to be a monster...

A monster who knew how I was feeling, but didn’t feel it himself. This gave him a great advantage, because he was able to understand what I was thinking, it’s just that he wouldn't care, so he can use ME against myself. I lost my friends, my social life, my self-confidence, the respect for myself..... Now I have been trying to recover my wounds, rebuild my social life and regain myself.

I have been struggling with a large span of emotions: pain, disappointment, guilt., confusion....

I have been going to therapy and Meetup Groups. These resources are helpful because  I have been meeting with people who are going through the same pain, emotions and they know exactly how I feel. I have discovered compassion and so much love and understanding......

No matter how much you loved your husband, I feel it is better to stay away from him and end the relationship. One gentleman I have met during the Meetup groups, ended up staying in an unhealthy marriage for over 45 years, just because he did not want to leave his children. Now, after his wife has alienated him from friends, family members and anyone close to him, he finds himself to be just a helpless old man...... 

I am glad you have had the strength to leave the relationship. Do not let him come back to you, no matter how hard he would try to do so. it is nothing else but manipulation.....



Today is my first post.  I decided to start writing about my feelings in a chat room in hopes that maybe someone will have something to say that will quicken in my spirit.  

About a month ago, violence in the relationship came to a head.  He choked me - and I didn’t even realize I was unconscious until the forensic nurse asked me if I peed on myself.  All I remember about that moment is fighting for my life.  A week before, he pushed me down into my end table, leaving a huge gash and bruise on my left upper arm.  He tore his own shirt to make it look like it was a couples fight.

I’m broken in so many ways.  He was the love of my life - or so I thought.  I’ve known him since I was a kid, I trusted him with everything in me.  My heart is broken and I’m trying to figure out why I miss him and still love him when he could have killed me.  He literally had my life in his hands.  I won’t sleep in my bed - that’s where it happened.  I really won’t go into my bedroom - other than to shower and get dressed.  During the incident, I must have hit my head because I had a huge lump one my forehead and another lump on the other side in my scalp. I cry constantly, I don’t like being in crowds, I get dizzy and just feel like I can’t process things like I used to be able to do.  I don’t trust myself and I don’t trust others.  I’m not  “girl,” anymore that smiled all the time, was outgoing, confident and happy.  

In retrospect, there were signs.  He would say these horrible things to ex girlfriends only to apologize a week later with a gift.  He had substance abuse problems and blamed me one night because he chose to use because I decided to hang out with a friend that I hardly Even saw anymore - I knew he was vulnerable, he said, and he wanted to hang out with me.  He would say horrible things to me - call me names.  Make things up like I didn’t want him to see his children or hang out with his family.  HiS first impulse was to lie.  He lied to his mother constantly.  Every fight was a deal breaker; he would pack his things and leave.  Block me on all social media and messaging, then two days later, want to talk.

After the incident, I filed a report.  I was hesitant at the hospital - I don’t know why.  But when I spoke with the detective, she was very dismissive and asked questions that felt like I was being victimized all over again.  Like, when I told her I peed on myself, she asked me was my bed wet?  Who pays attention to that after you’ve been chocked?  I didn’t even realize I peed on myself until I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror.  

I’m scared that my life will never be normal again.  I have sought out help with various agencies and it just doesn’t seem like they believe me.  I don’t understand this.  His family is well connected - he was an officer in the military, he’s charming and manipulative.  I can’t help but wonder if that was the issue with the detective - I haven’t even heard about the status of the report.  

It has been a horrible experience all around.  

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