I was abused by my step dad and my step grandpa for years. From the age of 2 to 6 years old. The abuse suffered was pretty extreme. There were no lines he wouldnt cross. To make matters whose, I had a young mother. She was only 19 when she married this man so she was very niave. They used to give me medicine at night to make me sleep that would actually make me hallucinate and have nightmare. I used to wake up freakin out and cry for my mom, but he was always the one who came in. He used the excuse that he would come in there and put me back to bed but really he would just abuse me. There were times when I tried to say no, even as a child. But it never mattered. My words didnt and discomfort and feelings didnt matter. So I think I just learned to shut down. He used to make me do things to him too. My grandpa would abuse my while my grandma watched. After this was found out, he went to a jail for a year and my and my family moved away. I went to a couple counseling sessions but that was it. As a teen, I felt like I was okay. Honestly I had this belief (that I know now is completely wrong) that anyone could just get over it. We can be as strong as we want to be and in order to be happy, we just had to learn to deal with it. I thought I was over it. I ended up becoming slightly promiscuous over the next couple years. But it wasnt always out of desire. I just seemed to keep finding myself in these situations and for some reason, felt unable to put a stop to it. I always just let it happen but my body language always seemed to be of a person not really invested in what was happening. We would be having sex but I felt like I was participating very little. After these encounters, I always felt disgusted and mad at myself. Why did I keep letting this happen? I realized it may be realated to my abuse. Not exactly sure if was a strange desire to please or be valued but either way, I felt it was the problem. So I conquered it... or so I thought. I got into relationships after that. At first, I kept dating jerks who treated me poorly. then i decided enough of that. My next 2 relationships lasted years with good men. My latest boyfriend was perfect, but I kept finding problems in his behavior. Things that actually weren't that bad (like him not "wanting" to spend enough time with me) and turned them into huge problems where I would have huge outbursts of anger and scream and break up with him. I always thought that he didnt really love me and that's why he did these things. I realized too late that he probably did. But he had already broken up with me for the way that I treated him. I committed to changing my thought and behavior but he was seeing someone else already although he lied to me about it. We got back together and he cheated on me with this other woman for 7 months. I left him and he begged for my forgiveness. I did forgive him but was unable to trust him and wouldnt be in a serious relationship with him. I wasnt ready. But still spent time with him and it felt like a half relationship. I started hanging out with an old friend. I really thought we were just friends. He started kissing me one night and it immediately made me think of my ex, the man I really loved. Kissing this new man made me feel sad and wrong. I knew in that moment I didnt want to see him again. No connection. But it didmt seem like a big deal. It was just a kiss. I was single at the moment and it was over now. Then he started pushing me to his bedroom. Things were happening so fast. He took of his clothes. Took of my pants then started getting a condom out. Reality hit me in that moment. I said " can we just hold on a second. Can we just slow down? I dont think I'm quite ready for this " he continued to put on the condom like my concerns weren't going to make a difference. He gave me a weird look and say "why" in kind of a mean tone. I said " I just want to take it slower. I dont think I can so this just yet" he said "we've been on like 4 dates" ( saying this as he is already climbing on top if me. ) I said " yes but I didn't know you were even interested in me that way, you've never even kissed me" and he said "ya, I was taking it slow" he said this as he started having sex with me. At that point, it felt too late. It was already happening so I kind of just went with it with minimal participation. He stopped for a second and tried to push my head down to go down on him but I refused so we just started having sex again. I dont feel like he raped me. I expressed reservations and he ignored them because he is a jerk, but in the end, I could have stopped it. I didnt and I'm mad at myself for letting something like that happen again. I thought I conquered it. I thought id learned that was capable if taking care of myself if this happened. Im strong. I was wrong. Apparently I still feel unable to say no when I should. I did speak up this time but it wasnt enough but I could have just got up and left and I didnt. I let this happen even though I'm in love with someone else and I didnt want to do this. I realize now just how damaged i must be. I have been conditioned to not refuse and have learned in my childhood that my feelings and obvious discomfort dont matter. This situation just solidified that. Yes this guy was a jerk but I was unable to put my foot down when I really needed to. He probably thought he just talked me into it. ( still jerk move but not a rapist I dont feel). This experience made me realize how weak I still feel in those moments but also it has caused me to do research and analyze alot of things. I realized that my mistrust and anger and anxiety towards my last boyfriend may have also been hinged on my childhood experience. I didnt know how bad my heart ans psyche were damaged. Now the man I was wanting to work it out with long term knows I slept with someone and I'm worried it may ruin whatever potential we may have had. I mad at myself for many reasons. I just want to know if anyone has experience this inability to really say no even when you want to. Can anyone relate? In past experiences, I have found it easy to ward off advances when I have a bf. It's like a "good excuse" i feel like just feelings of not wanting too arent good enough. And I know that's BS but the damage has been done. Someone please talk to me. Share similar feelings.
I feel weak and pathetic. I know that I am in charge of my own body and my wants and my feelings matter. So why did I just say no and leave? Why have I not been capable of doing that? It's something subconscious that I feel like a have a really hard time controlling but I feel upset with myself.