I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year now. We live together and are discussing marriage. I love him very much but I also have some resentment towards him for some actions. He treats me good a lot of the time. There are days though, that I hardly recognize him. He will grab the back of my head, squeeze my hand so incredibly hard, mock me, physically holds me down, gets right in my face to startle me. When we first started dating maybe 4 months in, he use to place a pillow over my face and press down for a little where I couldn't breathe. He would say he was just joking. He has accidently bruised me when play fighting. He use to drive dangerously and joke about killing me. He once had his gun out and joked about shooting me. I brought it up and he denied it ever happening. I had a talk with him at some point and he stopped those behaviors. I feel guilty writing this, it makes him seem awful. He isn't, I do a lot wrong. I am insecure and have a fear of him cheating. I can be too demanding and needy. I think maybe that is why he behaves the way he does sometimes. I sometimes think it's because I'm unattractive. He has said that I'm attractive to him but he doesn't know how other guys would see me. One thing that really hurts me more then anything is the critical remarks he makes. I try so hard to be perfect for him but it never seems to be enough. I feel crazy and sad more then I ever have. I'm so scared all the time that I'm hurting him or abusive towards him. I think it's because I feel anger towards him and I feel guilty for that. I have anger for allowing him to treat me that way. I have anger that I always have to work and probably can't go back to school because he can't keep a job. I have anger because I can't be stronger. I have anger that I'm afraid to leave him. I have threatened to leave many times but never have. I read somewhere if you do that, it makes you abusive. I don't want to hurt him. He does say sorry majority of the time. I apologize for this being so long and all over the place. I really don't know where to turn to and really need a place to write this out. I'm too afraid to tell anyone because they'll see him poorly or want me to leave. Even if this relationship was unhealthy, I'm not sure if it's that bad? Any advice would be appreciated.
Thank you joining our website and for sharing your story. It must had been difficult for you to write this and it took a lot of courage. I appreciate that you reached out to us about your concern. It’s normal to feel the way that you feel. I would suggest and encourage you to join our chat groups to talk with others that are going through or have gone through what you are going through. Below I provided you with a list of warning signs of an abusive relationship. Ask yourself if these signs relates to your relationship you’re having with your boyfriend. If you could answer yes to any of them then you might want to get some counseling to talk about what is going on. No one deserves to be treated the way that you’re being treated not even once. Here is the website for the National Domestic Violence Hotline http://www.thehotline.org/ and the number is 1-800-799-SAFE(7233).
SIGNS TO LOOK FOR IN A BATTERING RELATIONSHIP
Calls frequently, questions you or drops by unexpectedly.
He wants to make all the decisions.
He needs you desperately.
He is very dependent on you for all his needs.
He accuses people who are your support as being trouble makers.
BLAMES OTHER FOR OWN PROBLEMS
Someone is always doing them wrong.
BLAMES OTHERS FOR OWN FEELINGS
“You make me mad.”
Easily insulted or hurt.
CRUELTY TO CHILDREN OR ANIMALS
He may expect a child to be capable of doing things far beyond his ability.
PLAYFUL USE OF FORCE IN SEX
He may throw you down or hold you during sex.
Curses, insults and minimizes any accomplishments.
RIGID SEX ROLES
He expects you to serve him, stay home, obey all he says, etc.
DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE
Mood swings - one minute nice and the next minute explosive.
The abuser may say that they have hit their partners in the past.
THREATS OF VIOLENCE
“I’ll smack you if you don’t shut up.” “I’ll kill you.”
BREAKING OR THROWING OBJECTS
He may beat on the table with his fist, throw objects to terrorize you into submission.
ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT
Holding you down, pushing, shoving, slapping, throwing against the wall.
Save your money and move far away from him, as quickly as possible. It will only get worse.