I thought I had worked through this.

I am not sure where to begin.  When I was five my father began molesting me. I did not know that he was doing was bad until I was 8 or 9 when my Mom told me that he had been arrested by military police for doing the same to my older sister.  I really very clearly remember thinking, "So what Dad did to me was wrong?!" I ended up telling my mom that evening. I was lucky. She believed me. I vaguely remember having to use those anatomically correct dolls to point out what he did. God my childhood is such a blur! He was allowed to plead guilty to only molesting my older sister and only received a three year sentence.  They felt that having me and my younger sister testify would be too traumatic.  I know I have some anger about this even though I know my mom was trying to do the best she knew how.  I have had counseling and therapy. As a teenager I was diagnosed with Depression and suicide ideation and hospitalized three different times.  This was back in the 90's. My Dad's conviction was back in '86 or '87. 

After my teenage years I was convinced I was done with it. I was okay. I wasn't angry about it and it could not affect me anymore. My adult life has been a serious of verbally and psychologically abusive relationships. The past few years I have attempted to co parent with two of those exes. I have had cops and cps called on me. I have been yelled at around my kids and called names. One of those exes has a wide who is equally abusive as he and she even got into the fun and started threatening me over an increase in child support. Unfortunately it is nothing that cops will take me seriously apart. At one point I remember after their calls I I locked my front door and then went into my bedroom and locked that door. I actually do not like locked or closed doors in my home unless it is for privacy so this was not normal for me. My story with them get a crazier but it is too much to share at the moment. The other ex who is an alcoholic has over the past ten years has said crazy stuff about my daughter, has told me our son hates me, has used my childhood abuse to shame me, has told our son it made me crazy and said he wanted to kill me when I confronted him about drinking around our son which he is not supposed to do. I did call the cops for that but apparently it was not specific enough. This is just some of the stuff I have dealt with as an adult but I would need a lot of time to share it all. 

Back a couple of years ago my daughter was at her father's and she ended up writing a letter about death.  She had already been diagnosed with anxiety and depression  but her father and his wife repeatedly accused her of being a liar and manipulator in regards to her mental health.  That night and the next day was a whole mess. That might I did call her because I have strange text from her. She was obviously breathing heavy and wouldn't answer me when I repeatedly asked if she was okay. I asked if I needed to send someone to check on her because I could tell she was not okay. I heard her Dad in the background, "No you don't!" It was taunting and scared the hell out of me. That night I called police and the domestic violence hotline.  Despite call the police I did not find out until the morning about her letter.  Her dad used it to blame and shame me. I asked repeatedly what hospital he planned on taking her to and he refused to tell me. When I couldn't get him to tell me I called 911. Police went out there and listened to him say he was going to take her. She was not taken for another couple of hours. I was able to find my daughter at the hospital because we decided to just physically go to each hospital. When they came to take my daughter he told me he didn't want me there and they listened to him despite him providing a court order saying I have every right to be there. When I tried to give them info about her mental health history he starts telling for security. Anyway that part of the story does not end there but I wanted to give a picture of it because this when I noticed a difference in me. At least I felt different. Since this my anxiety is high when triggered.  I have noticed feelings of shame. One day I went to pick up one of my kids and felt like people were looking at me and seeing something is wrong with me. I am afraid I am going to make the wrong decision. I have even do I myself looking for ways I messed up to make my youngest miss the bus when the bus was running late. 

  So at first I believed that all of these symptoms were wholly related to trauma I have experienced as an adult. My younger sister believed it is related to our childhood trauma. My first reaction was to deny. I am good at denial. I learned a nifty little trick at five to bury the memories and also to just not be mentally present for my abuse. So things I hadn't thought about in ages starts popping in my head like that time I ran away be a I felt like I had to get out of there, or that time some older guys got  me drunk at 13 am took advantage that was so eerily similar to my childhood abuse, or how I have ever had good seal esteem, how I was always considered the quiet one to the poo adults so I forget I was there or how that one to I found a school rich for son Kim of special ed program that labeled me as "withdrawn".  I have never dealt with anger well. I remember having nightmares of being chased as a kid and I am pretty sure I had a encore performance of it in the past year or I couldn't see a man with a mustache out of the corner of my eye without going on alert. I actually had that feeling today when I thought I saw my son's father. 

  Somewhere along the line my screwed up psyche convinced me that despite sexually abusing me and my sisters that he was an okay guy. I actually had email contact with him for awhile until he told I have a new sibling. Immediately my revulsion and fear for that child set in. I didn't know what to do because he is out of the country. I finally confided in my younger sister and we tried to let the proper authorities know. To make it worse my sister informed me he is actually in a place known for child sex trafficking.  I am hoping the authorities listen and do something. I don't know how much faith I have anymore for any system to truly protect a child. 

   I have learned recently that the picture I have in my head of my Dad is not exactly accurate. My siblings have told me of instances of physical abuse. I was trying to understand my choosing of hypercritical men so I asked my sister is this how he was. She told me he was. 

 I thought I had truly dealt with his but I am not so sure now.  My sister's can tell you what is normal for children like us. I can't. I don't know. I am not even sure if i am who i was supposed to be. Would i have been the quiet, people pleasing person I am now? Would I have been capable of standing up for myself? How do you know when your first memory is of being told you were going to get to sleep in Mom and Dad's bed and then realizing it wasn't such a treat?  

  I don't know if anyone understands where I am coming from and where I am at but I don't know who turn to or how to get myself help. I feel alone, scared, helpless and at times just not a valuable person. My births was last Month and I spent the morning feeling unlovable and unlikable. I cried and hid how terrible I felt from my kids. Birthdays used to be something I enjoyed and now it is something that reminds me of how alone I am and how few people really care. 




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Thank you for joining our website and sharing your experience. I know that it took a lot of courage to share your story. I apologize that you had to go through that which no one should go through. I'm glad that you got the help that you needed at the moment that you felt that you needed it. I notice that you are highly aware of what is happening in your life and that you are taking the proper procedures for your well being and for your children. It's perfectly normal to have those feelings. I would recommend you to join our chatroom to talk with others that are going through or have gone through what you are going through.

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