It won't go away

I am new here. I've been looking for support groups for a long time. And I found this org. I hope this helps me heal because I'm really tired

This is the first time I put this out because I am so embarrssed from my story.  Since I was abused by my own mother 

It started when I was really young it was physical abuse she used to hit me for no reason. She said to me many imes she didn' want me I was raised by a nanny who I've been with for 20 years. 

When I was 12 the abuse became sexual. She used to touch me and laugh how it upsets me  always grabbing my breasts and laughi ng at me  she used to touch me when dad is there and laugh at me for not being able to do anything. And I used to cry my eyes out. I wrote her a letter once that I will run away and she came to me shouting and screaming and made me feel like I am weird and that it was normal what she was doing and if I told my dad he will punish me for writing that letter so she forced me to act like nothing is wrong and not say a word about this. 

I know this is weird I am writing it and feel like how is it possible for other to do these things. She used to say nasty things to me talk about things I shouldn't even know when I was really young and didn' get what was going on. I suffered depression since I was younger than 12. And now I am 32 and still can' let go of what she did to me. I hate her more than anything in the world. What hurts the most I have to still go see her becaus no one knows what she did. If I told anyone np one will believe me. My husband only knows that I am not close to her and just visit cuz I have to not that I want to see her. She used to tell my siblings that I was doing awful things so when I say anything about her no one would believe me. Awful th bgs like being with a lot of guys. I tried so many imes to forgive her and let go. But I can't. The depression got worse when I was pregnant. And now I am pregnant with my second child and the memories just wouldn't go. I want to let go I want to move on. I want to be with my daughter and I am really happy I have lived 20 years suffering from all kinds of abuse she put me though. Verbal. Physical  sexual.. She used to even tell lies about me to my dad so he would beat me up while she stands there smearing at me!! 

I managed to heal for a few years. But since I got married memories kept flowing specially with pregnancies and I can' stop them. I don' want to with that I did when I have a beautiful girl and a Baby on the way. I tried going to therapy but I could say anything I was too ashamed. 



Original Post

I'm sorry to hear you're story. Its unfathomable for me to understand how a parent could do that to thier child.  I used to worry that I would grow up to be bad too. It's so unfair that people can do these things and we are the ones who have to suffer the consequences the most and live with guilt and and shame even though we shouldn't. The human mind is a very delicate thing and when people experience something like this, it can change and affect us in ways people cant imagine or maybe even understand. Sometimes we dont even know how much it affects us because its all beneath the surface. It's not a pain or an injury you can just show to someone. It's in the most special and crucial and behavior and feeling affecting places. Our minds and hearts. 

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